We’re three weeks into blogging, and I have to say—it’s been quite fun. I think I’m actually enjoying this process, and I hope you’re enjoying reading it too. And who knows? Maybe one day, you’ll even drop a comment and share your thoughts with me.
For this post, I wanted to talk about unlearning external validation—breaking free from people-pleasing.
Realising I Was a People-Pleaser (But Not Knowing When It Started)
I have always found myself putting others first. I made sure everyone else was happy, even if it meant sidelining my own needs. But if you asked me when I first realised this, I honestly couldn’t tell you. It’s not like there was one defining moment.
It probably started becoming clearer about two years ago when I was looking for a mentor in producing. I believed that finding someone established in the industry would validate my progress and confirm that I was moving in the right direction.
Then last year, burnout hit me hard, and I realised it was my body’s way of saying, “Enough. You need to start trusting yourself.”
The Social Media Pressure to Please
If there’s one thing that makes people-pleasing worse, it’s social media. Social media makes people-pleasing even harder to break free from. In fact, I talked about this in my last post. Where I questioned what it means to be human in the digital age.
You realise that you follow people you admire. You follow creatives you want to champion. Then suddenly, you start to compare everything; What they’re doing? How they’re doing it? Making you question if you should be doing the same.
You find yourself thinking:
✔️ Should I be posting more?
✔️ Do I need to look more successful?
✔️ Am I doing enough?
It’s that constant need to be ‘seen’—to prove we’re doing something worthwhile. And that need? It’s exhausting.
Why Do We Crave External Validation?
Why do we care so much about what others think?
Some of it comes from childhood experiences—growing up constantly seeking approval. Some of it is society itself, where success is measured by visibility, engagement, and public perception.
And then there’s toxic positivity—where people cheer you on so much that you feel pressured to keep up the act.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting encouragement, but when it controls your decisions, expression, and personal boundaries—that’s when it becomes a problem.
Signs You’re Caught in the People-Pleasing Cycle
If you’re unsure whether you struggle with people-pleasing, here are a few things to consider:
👉🏾 Are you constantly trying to keep up with trends, even if they don’t really interest you?
👉🏾 Have you deleted posts just because they didn’t get enough likes?
👉🏾 Do you hesitate before speaking up, worrying about how others will perceive you?
And here’s the big one: Are you doing things because YOU want to or because it will make others happy?
How to Differentiate Being Kind vs. Being a People-Pleaser
Being kind and being a people-pleaser aren’t the same thing.
I used to think I was just being kind—helpful, supportive, available. But then I realised I was saying yes to things that drained me.
Kindness comes from genuine intent—doing something because it feels right.
People-pleasing comes from fear—doing something because you don’t want to disappoint others.
If you’re unsure, ask yourself:
🔹 Am I happy to share this, or am I doing it just for validation?
🔹 Am I saying yes because I want to—or because I feel guilty saying no?
Breaking Free from External Validation
How do we stop this endless cycle of people-pleasing? Here’s what I’ve been trying:
✔️ Post for yourself, not others—Take a photo every day just for you. Don’t post it. Just enjoy it.
✔️ Prioritise internal validation. Do not wait for others to tell you you’re good enough. Remind yourself: I am good at this. I don’t need proof from anyone else.
✔️ Set boundaries and stick to them—If you’re a freelancer, you’re not available 24/7. If you don’t want to post or reply to messages past a certain time—don’t.
✔️ Learn to say NO—without guilt or explanation—You don’t owe long-winded excuses for your boundaries. A simple “Not right now” should be enough.
Setting boundaries is one of the most important steps in breaking free from external validation. But here’s the thing—not all boundaries are healthy. Some can become rigid, isolating, or even ‘toxic.’ If you’ve ever struggled with knowing when to say ‘yes’ or ‘no,’ this article on The Trouble with Toxic Boundary-Setting is helpful. It explains how to do it in a way that still feels authentic.
Is It Possible to Stop Caring About What Others Think?
Honestly? Probably not entirely.
What can you do to start caring less?
By letting go of external validation. This isn’t about becoming indifferent. It’s about prioritising what truly matters to YOU over what others expect.
Final Thoughts
This isn’t an overnight process. It’s a journey I am actively working on. I’m learning to trust myself. I am finding ways to create without fear and becoming okay with doing things just for me.
And you know what? The biggest surprise in all of this?
I am stronger than I thought. I am more capable than I believed.
And I don’t need external validation to prove it.
